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Is #BlackHogwarts the best trending topic of all time? Of course it is.

If you were born in the late 80s or 90s, chances are you’re part of the Harry Potter generation. We all know the story about the 11-year-old orphaned white boy who gets thrust into the world of witchcraft and wizardry – where, it turns out, he is actually famous. But here’s a plot twist: imagine yourself at Black Hogwarts. If you can’t, that’s okay because Black Twitter did it for you under the epic trending topic that is #BlackHogwarts: a beautiful combination of memes and genius. The Daily Vox rounds up. 

Every Harry Potter fan dreamt about receiving the Hogwarts acceptance letter into a school that teaches magic. The first obstacle for black Hogwarts though is every black mother’s objection to witchcraft.

But if a black witch/wizard made it through to Hogwarts, the next obstacle is the sorting hat. Literally a hat with a mouth, it sorts you into a house which becomes your family for the duration of your schooling career. We all know Gryffindor is for the brave, Hufflepuff the compassionate, Ravenclaw the smart-asses and Slytherin for the cunning. But Black Hogwarts has a sorting durag instead. We’re SCREAMING.

The most important part of the sorting process is being put in the same house as your fam.


But if you’re sorted into Slytherin, you don’t have time for peasants. Everyone knows Slytherin didn’t get this far tryna talk to muggles (non-magic folks).


Can you think of a more fitting Ravenclaw girl squad?

But the best part of Black Hogwarts has got to be the Quidditch matches – the sport that magic folk play on broomsticks. And with Black Hogwarts, every match will begin with Colin Kaepernick-style kneeling.


Speaking of Quidditch, that Nimbus 2000 Premium Broomstick is not just for flying. Any black mother would see to that.


Can you just imagine the spectators at the Quidditch games doing the swag surf? A thing of beauty.

The halls at Hogwarts are filled with portraits of legendary witches and wizards. And who better to rep opposing houses as legends at Black Hogwarts than Tupac and Biggie?

One thing that was definitely missing from author J.K. Rowling’s Hogwarts is the swag and pizzazz. Let’s be honest, an invisibility cloak? Nobody is rocking a cloak in 2018 (or ever). But invisibility Tims on the other hand, that’s genius and stylish.


Everyone knows sneakers are sacred. If you violate the code of respect and deference for other people’s sneakers, it’s punishable by an Unforgivable Curse.

Remember that time Ron Weasley got a howler (an enchanted and explosive letter) for driving his dad’s flying car? Imagine the howler you could receive for forgetting your chores. And you thought passive aggressive texts were frightening.

The Marauders Map tells you exactly where people are – and they can’t turn their location services off. It’s perfect for lurkers – and catching your friends doing what they said they wouldn’t.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good, indeed.


But the best part of the #BlackHogwarts trend is the casting. It’s so accurate.
Let’s start with the obvious. There’s only one person that could teach herbology and that’s Snoop Dogg.


Forest Whitaker for Mad-Eye Moody – do you see it? We see it.

Y’all already know Morgan Freeman is playing Dumbledore, he played God, for crying out loud.

The Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is supposed to be a badass (despite the dodge characters in the series), and no one is more of a badass than Samuel L. Jackson.

Rita Skeeter: an annoying faux-journalist that knows everything about anyone and lives for the tea? Wendy Williams come thru!


As for Dolores Umbridge, she still white.

We all know who the ultimate villain, Lord Voldemort would be. Say it together now people, Donald Tru-.

And there would be no confusion in what to call him. There’d be none of this He-who-must-not-be-named, Dark Lord bullshit. His parents named him Tom Marvolo Riddle and he’d be called Tom Marvolo Riddle till the day he died.


And the bad guy always gets caught, just ask Jimmy Jacobs.

Can we all agree that Black Hogwarts is the best thing to happen to anyone so far in 2018?


Even J.K. Rowling saw it and loved it.


She might have seen it, she might have been loving it, but let’s not forget we cancelled JK Rowling last year already.

Featured Image via Pexels

1 Comment
  1. Petrus Civis says

    What “stereotypes about women who wear lipstick” would those be, Shaazia?

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