When Trump calls Zuma and five other absurdities

On Monday, the South African government confirmed that Donald J Trump, leader of the free world, requested a phone call with our President Jacob Zuma.

Now it’s unclear what the two leaders will talk about. One can only speculate it won’t last long.

Nevertheless, if we can guarantee five talking points between Trump and Zuma, here they are:

1. Making South Africa and America great, again
Both the US and South Africa like to believe that they are the greatest in their respective neighbourhoods. Trump thinks Mexicans are criminals and Zuma thinks Malawi is a local township. They will commit to making South Africa and America great again. Neither of them will explain WTF they actually mean by it.

2. Fighting terrorism
It is known that South Africa is buddies with Iran and China, and together with India and Brazil we are looking to push back at Empire’s stranglehold of the world. As a result, South Africa does not really face terror threats while the US is trying its best to get us involved as it moves more and more into Africa. Trump is also going to talk to Nigerian president Muhammadu Buhari on Monday. The chances of him telling Zuma he wants more cooperation in the fight against Boko Haram, and asking him about the #BringBackOurGirls campaign is high.

3. Corruption
No conversation between the president of the US and an African country will ever be complete without a cursory mention of corruption. Trump is going to warn Zuma that his administration is going to be hard on corruption. And Zuma is going to laugh. Here, Trump is likely going to raise the issue of gay rights in the country and ask Zuma if it can get it “fixed”.

4. On family cooperation
Trump loves his family. So does Zuma. It is likely that Trump will bring up Melania and how she has been talking about owning a beach house in Cape Town. In turn, Zuma will bring up Sizakele, Nompumelelo, Thobeka and Gloria and how expensive it is to travel as a family to America these days. Then Trump will reminisce and suggest that his daughter’s Ivanka works with Duduzile Zuma on a fashion label.

5. The reed dance
With Trump there isn’t the chance of long, awkward pauses during the conversation. It is guaranteed that even when there is nothing to say, his voice will find a way. Both men will look to lighten up the conversation, given they know so little about anything. And this is where the misogyny will come in handy. Trump will make conversation about the reed dance. Zuma will be too shy to tell him it takes place in Swaziland.

Featured image via Wikimedia Commons