When she was last spotted on the crossroads of Swart and Gevaar Roads, Coconut Kelz was drinking Woolies water and spreading her ‘truth bombs’ about the state of the nation, why corruption is okay when white people do it and why black people don’t win in life . . .
Coconut Kelz (‘Kelello, but call me Kelz!’) is a young Caucasian woman trapped in a black woman’s body. Kelz lives in – and tries never to leave – Sandton and is a staunch member of the DA. She often takes issue with her reverse racist dad, while her mother has to remind her that Braai Day is actually called Heritage Day.
With handy tips on how to achieve the white right standard of beauty, how to catch yourself a white guy (‘elongate your vowels, get yourself into white spaces’), the best suburbs to live in and how to host the perfect Caucasian shindig, Kelz offers a complete guide for a full Caucasian conversion. She also shares her thoughts on the differences between race groups, the top three political parties, public transport, how to avoid contact with sgebengas and why one should never stray beyond the Line of Caucus.
In this extract from Lesego Tlhabi’s hilarious book about race and class in SA, Coconut Kelz’s Guide to Surviving this Shithole, Kelz shares her beauty tips.
Beauty tips for the Caucasian woman
There are so many ways to achieve the
white right standard of beauty. This encompasses many different facets from outer (the most important) to inner beauty. The latter only matters if you are facially challenged.
Uggos do not win in life. Neither do the blacks. It is just the way it is. So, the less you look like them, the better. Also, having a more urban appearance might seem like the in thing, but it will not get you a seat at the most prestigious and privileged of tables.
So, in this chapter, I outline how to achieve the perfect Aryan beauty standard.
A side note: do not be fooled by what you see in the media. Nowadays, the magazines are so concerned with ‘equality’ and being politically correct that they put all kinds of women on their covers – women who do not fit what we know is the traditional kind of beauty. You see far too many black faces, with their hairstyles and ‘plus sizes’ – all in the name of being more ‘inclusive’ . I mean, even the white girls are way too racially ambiguous.
Exercise is a very important part of the Caucasian beauty regime. This is because fatness is a problem of poor and ethnic people, not being able to hire a personal trainer and attend gym twice a day (once at peak hour for Instagram – wear your best matching-but-impractical outfit – and again when the working class is at their jobs to make money). I know, to actually go in and train without their judgemental eyes!
You are going to want to hire a hot trainer. Someone to motivate you, through his sexiness, to become the kind of person he wants to sleep with. You do not actually have to go all the way, but you do not not have to go all the way either.
Now, do not think that just because I have mentioned gym, the aim is to sweat. It is not. It is very important that you stick to light cardio: you do not want to have arms that will make your partner feel bad about theirs . . . or that will make them think they are cuddling a sgebenga.
A great type of exercise is yoga because the clothing is transferable to the daytime when you are running errands like replacing dying hydrangeas or dropping the kids at school. Step class is also good because it brings balance. It’s important to have rhythm – but not too much, as you do not want to be mistaken for someone who has black friends.
The best type of exercise, however, is the stationary bike or a treadmill going at max 4. This is primarily due to the fact that you can still catch up on your tweets, Instagram and general WhatsApp group gossip. Do not let a Virgin or a Planet come between you and finding out that your favourite celebrity has given birth or that your frenemy has finally had her nose fixed!
Make-up routine (you want to be white like a geisha but without the Asianness)
Billions of you have been asking me, ‘Kelz, how do I achieve that aesthetically brilliant white-people glow?’ Well, it is all in the basics, really.
First, you take a foundation that is two shades lighter than you are. My favourite colour is White Privilege by MAC-kgoa. I know what you are thinking . . . ‘But Kelz, how can a shade two tones lighter than me make me look good?’
The answer is simple: you are now joining a world of smoke and mirrors. Yes, in daylight you will be astounded, nay, downright shocked at what you look like. However, these are the sorts of sacrifices you have to make until the metamorphosis is complete. Just stick to it, babe. Soon, everyone will have forgotten your original skin tone.
Once you have the right base, it is time to line the lips. This might be the true test of how much you want to be a Caucasian. Kylie Jenner became famous for first over-lining her lips to make them appear fuller, and then going full-out on lip injections to make it more permanent. This is why that family has never resonated with me. In what world is making yourself appear blacker the gold standard?
If you follow my advice, not only will you have the appearance of a Caucasian lip, but you will suddenly find yourself saying such things like ‘This is barbaric’ when commenting on anything that is deemed too African (black) and also ‘I am not racist, but . . .’ will fall very easily out of your underlined pout.
Take a lip pencil and, after dividing each lip in half, line each one properly so that your lips are now half the size. Put your foundation on the outer parts of your lip so that they blend into your face. You have now created an amazing illusion. Many women who see you will compliment you on how thin and pursed your lips are.
With these lips, it will appear as if everything around you is too liberal for your liking and people will assume you are either about to complain or call the police. Both actions are part of the wonderful package that you will be able to unlock when you complete your transformation.
If you marry right, there is also a doctor here in Johannesburg who is the only one in the world who is trained in lip diminution (when they take flesh out of your lips to create naturally thin smackers). Look for Dr Whiteguilt online – he belongs to a renowned Swiss family and his surname is not pronounced the way you think it is.
Everything else you can add according to your personal liking. The application of eyebrows, blush, bronzer, etc. are for you to decide on, because once you have the foundation and thin lips right, you are 90 per cent of the way there. The rest, as they say, are mere additions. However, my advice would be to go light on the bronzer; you do not want anyone to think you are of the proletariat or working class. Any job that makes you tan naturally is reserved for the black population.
When you Google ‘unprofessional hairstyles’, the images that come up show many different styles of afros and dread(ful) locks. Think about it: it is scary to white folks when you walk into a school or a professional environment and force your blackness on unsuspecting fellow pupils or colleagues.
Many of you will remember the absolute chaos that erupted at Pretoria Girls’ High because of exactly this thing. Some insolent students refused to tame their hair, so the other girls no longer felt safe and could also not see the blackboard up ahead. Anyway, they got their way, which is unfortunate. Tradition and codes of conduct are there for a reason and should be respected. It is at times like this when you think they should really go back to their own schools if they want their afros so badly.
Anyway, like those troublesome youths, many of you were unfortunately born with an afro. You cannot help it, but you can fix it. Here is how.
You can chemically straighten your hair. This is known as a relaxer in some parts because it makes wild hair literally just relax, you guys. Post-relaxer, you will be able to brush it and stuff.
Also, you will no longer block anyone’s view or come across as being too aggressively black. I mean, black pride? What if I said white pride? How would you feel then? I thought so! This treatment does burn your scalp, but would you rather have a healthy scalp or entry into the best country clubs? Think about it.
The second option is the weave. Many women are now wearing wigs as an alternative. But think about this – you are in the throes of lovemaking and suddenly your hair is no longer on your head but where the passion began. And what will you do when you go to sleep – hang it on a lampshade? This won’t do. Your partner must always think it grows out of your head, otherwise he will catch you out and want to leave you.
I hope you have taken notes because this section truly is the most important one. I know I have said this before, but there really is no point in speaking well or going to the right places when you look more like a Kelello than a Kelz.
Published by Jonathan Ball publishers, Thlabi’s Coconut Kelz’s Guide to Surviving This Shithole is available at R195 online and at most good bookstores.