Itâ€™s 2015, but people are still looking for spouses the old-fashioned way. The old-fashioned way, of course, being like this:
What’s wrong with the Ummah? pic.twitter.com/KMMDIW1KmX
â€” Nadeem Mahomed (@HeavyDeem) March 24, 2015
Letâ€™s face it, everyone has a picture of their ideal mate in mind together with a list of deal-breakers, but it takes a certain kind of egotist to be quite so specific. And last week, this guyâ€™s ad â€“ in which he outlined exactly what it was that he was looking for in a wife â€“ went viral after a Twitter user uploaded a screengrab to the social media platform and captioned it “douchebag of the day”.
Kholvads are understood to be a sect of Indians who claim to be descended from Italians â€“ the by-product of having both their lands and bloodlines colonised back in the day, so they say.
After seeing this ad, one girl decided to school this particular Kholvad on his fussy nature.
He totally fell for it. And Fatima (most likely not her real name) really got into it â€“ escaping the conversation by claiming she had a croquet game to play (as one does).
The next day, the conversation resumed â€¦
â€¦ but it had barely begun before it was over forever, as â€œFatimaâ€ outlined her own outlandish requirements and responded with a whole lot of feistiness, before saying goodbye, forever.
Fatima explained that she and her friends were accustomed to playing snooker after Ishraaq (a short prayer performed just after sunrise) â€“ again, as one does.
She let him down slowly. While he was definitely a â€œhaaro poiroâ€Â (directly translated, â€œgood boyâ€), the poiro Fatima is looking for is ideally a Brad Pitt-lookalike with shoulder-length hair (a zulfa) and a glorious beard (is she being fussy enough yet?)
Perhaps some panchat aunties in his family â€“ these are the old, nosy and troublesome ones who love drama and consider themselves the ultimate matchmakers â€“ are a better port of call for Kholvad guy to find his dream girl than the local newspaperâ€™s classifieds section.
Catfishing isnâ€™t very nice, but perhaps this has taught Kholvad guy and his ilk a little something about subtlety.